Truth Thursday: To Answer Your Question

"How are you?"

No one¹ has asked me this recently. For, probably, a year now. And sadly, still counting.

No one has asked purposely. With, uhmm I don't know, care? Because yes, asking 'how are you' when we "BUMP" to each other doesn't count. No, it most certainly don't count when you decide to ask just to cover up our obvious heavy breathing.

Not one person told me 'hey I miss you'. Not recently. Not one person asked for a date. Which is, I believe, synonymous to
Not one remembered nor cared.

Which sucks. Because it made me realize how empty my hands are when it comes to people. Or more accurately, friends. (It hurts that) Life recently doesn't involve you or us. What we had was real, (Sad fact) but what we had don't exist anymore.

Which sucks. Because I loved us. I loved every bit that happened. And it is killing to wish for more. Because yes, we can get together, and laugh about a few things, but see this? There's this abnormal space now. Awkwardness that came from being distant. Physically and otherwise.

Which sucks. Because it made me realize I probably got the wrong bunch of crowd. Or more possibly, I am what is wrong in "our" crowd. Which is no way better than being empty. For one, it made me question myself. How much of a crap can I get? To choose the wrong apples. To let go of the right ones. What's wrong with me? Probably everything. I probably wouldn't like me if I were someone else.

Which sucks. Because I am a people person. I've been labeled as 'feeling close' many times before. I crave for attention. I depend on emotions and people and relationships. Is that the reason I always come off as a whore? Or as someone who is just plain annoying? Probably, also why no one dared and dares to ask.

Which sucks. Because I want someone to ask. I want someone to feel. I want someone to know that I am not okay. I wasn't okay. And if truth be told, I can't picture myself 'okay' in the coming weeks. As pathetic as it sounds, I am craving for sympathy.

Which sucks. Because. Who wants to be miserable, really? Who wants to be alone? Who wants to be so empty? No one. Especially not me. I am jolly. It has always been 'she who always smile' or 'she who always seem happy'.

Which sucks. Because I am not happy. I am. But I'm not. And that sucks. Because it's confusing, and it makes me realize how much I am clueless about myself. I am fake. I am pretentious. It's not something I want to be, but I am. I have built walls to guard myself; the 'I am perfect. I am okay.' thinking. Because I don't want them to know how vulnerable I can be. I don't want them to know how much of a loser I've become. I am embarrassed to admit the sad truth: I am lost.

Which sucks. Because, if it ain't obvious yet, to pretend is a disease. Fatal, really. To always 'look' ok, it had made me tired. And it had made it even more obvious, the fact that I have no one right now. No one to talk to. A pat on the back? Or A reassuring hug? I long for someone. Something. Anything. But nothing.






I guess what I am trying to say is. I am not doing well and I could use a couple of hugs, or any version of 'there there it's gonna be ok', truth or not.

I miss a lot of people. I miss old and supposed-to-be current friends. I miss having relationships.

And no, it's not their fault. It's all my fault. For being so cocky. For being a know-it-all. For being such a pain in the arse.

I had blamed myself harder than I can take; consumed in so much guilt that I feel so suck-y, right now. Which is another issue. (Embarrassing to admit) I seem to have a lot of issues.




....

So let me just leave the rest of explaining to Jason Mraz's 'You and I'.

To memories we had, and to myself being sad and reminiscing.

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only read of the love, the love that I love.

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now,
Oh love, no
You and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore, mmm...
And with this silence brings a moral story
More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
And if you could see me now
Well I'm almost finally out of
I'm finally out of
Finally deedeedeedee
Well I'm almost finally, finally
Well I'm free, oh, I'm free

And it's okay if you have to go away
Oh just remember the telephone works both ways
And if I never ever hear them ring
If nothing else I'll think the bells inside
Have finally found you someone else and that's okay
Cause I'll remember everything you sang

Cause you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
well then I'm almost finally out of.
I'm finally out of, finally, deedeeededede
well I'm almost finally, finally, out of words.

---

¹ Except for those who I consider constant. Those who were there. Those who are and will always be there no matter what. Because they don't have a choice.




Truth Thursdays exists to connect people through writing. To initiate something honest, thoughtful and meaningful.